Yesterday I got bloodwork done and I get the results on Monday or Tuesday. Also The doctor prescribed that I take testosterone every week instead of every other week. I’m pretty excited! Also he was excited when I went into the office yesterday. It was pretty cool, we were both just like “AHHH, CHANGES ARE HAPPENING AND IT’S EXCITING!” So yeah, that’s where I am right now.
Even in my sleep I can’t escape from my dysphoria and it seriously pisses me off. I have become so bitter about my body issues. I can never feel comfortable and I fucking hate it. I hate fucking talking about it and I hate not talking about it. I am so angry and upset about it I literally stop myself from doing stupid things to it every day. I didn’t always have this problem and I don’t know what’s going on and I’m just tired and I want to sleep to escape it…and I fucking can’t. I am so angry about it and I just want one person to understand or just pull me into a hug and tell me it’s all right. I’m surrounded by so many people, yet I feel so alone. So painfully alone.
I just peed from my STP for the first time in wow, almost a year. I’m gonna start using it to pack because I always have to pee when I’m out in public lately.
My mom has been doing really good at calling me Tyler. It’s a really nice change. Since I’ve come home from Easter, I was complaining about how my dad was being a dick about the whole name thing and I started crying about it (which is so shitty, it was the first time I’ve cried in two months) so my mom said she would try harder with the name thing. My mom calls me Beck, but introduces me as Tyler. A whole lot more than my dad does. I’m just so tired of this name bullshit and I’m tired of the excuses from him. My dad has never once just accepted me or stood up for me. Not once. I have some father issues.
I fucking hate my dad sometimes. I literally blew up at him last night and begged him about calling Tyler, still hasn’t done it. Even my uncle who I haven’t seen in almost a year is saying Tyler. I am so fucking done.
Sometimes I feel like I’m this extremely broken person. I’m made up of all the wrong parts and that really gets to me. Like I wish I could just wake up and be happy with how I am. I wish I could just worry about acne, my weight, or normal things people my age worry about. I don’t know, I just want to feel like I’m not a waste, like I’m not just a box of random puzzle pieces that don’t fit together.